Baby Trap Page 8

  ‘You’ve broken my balls,’ he squeaked breathlessly.

  ‘No! Ball-breaking is not an option! They have to be in top working order. What can I do? How about a bollock massage? A splint? I’ve got a nail file in my bag.’ I dived off the bed to rummage through my bag.

  ‘You’ve done quite enough already for one day.’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault!’

  ‘You didn’t shut the door properly!’

  ‘Neither did you!’ I said.

  ‘That’s because you enticed me with Verotica.’

  ‘You have to talk to him now. What if you get fired? What if you can’t get another job? The recession’s looming its ugly head. No one’s taking on new staff lately. We might lose the house because we can’t afford the mortgage, and then what would we do? How could we afford a baby, then? What if we need to have IVF? How could we pay for it?’

  Karl opened his eyes and glared at me. ‘I’ll talk to him in a minute, when the throbbing has subsided.’

  Half an hour later, he scrabbled around on the floor for his clothes.

  I got dressed and bit my nails as I waited another half hour for Karl to come back.

  As soon as the door opened, I sprang off the bed like a Jack-in-the-box. ‘What happened?’

  Karl shut the door, eyes downcast, staring at the floor with a grave expression. ‘He actually thought you were my bit on the side, which he wasn’t impressed about. As you heard, Clive’s got very strong old fashioned family values.’

  ‘I hope you put him straight. What did he say about your job? Is it safe? Oh, bugger, what are we going to do? ’

  Then he threw his head back and roared with laughter. ‘Of course my job’s safe! When I explained we were trying for a baby, they were absolutely fine about it all. They told me to apologize to you for walking straight in like that. If they’d known you were there, they wouldn’t have come in.’

  I clutched my chest with relief.

  ‘Actually, they both thought you had an incredibly hot body.’ He raised an eyebrow.

  I gulped. ‘You’re joking?’

  He threw his head back and roared with laughter. ‘Of course I’m joking!’

  Friends and the Green-Eyed Monster

  Fourteen days after the hotel saga I was pregnant! I knew it. I was definitely pregnant. My boobs were sore, I felt slightly nauseous at the thought of chocolate (not that I was actually eating any since Julia’s diet, but a girl can dream, can’t she?), and I was getting cravings for cauliflower (I mean, seriously, anyone who has cravings for cauliflower must be pregnant. It stands to reason).

  Gone were the days when I bought single pregnancy test kits. Oh, no, now I bought them in bumper packs of five so I always had a hefty supply of them. I was addicted to them, although I hid my addiction by buying them from different chemists and supermarkets all the time so I didn’t get sectioned by the infertility police.

  Karl was cleaning his teeth in the bathroom as I peed on the stick, which was slightly difficult due to my shaky hands, although I’d perfected a wonderful midstream flow in all these months.

  Placing the plastic wand on the side of the bath, we both hovered over it, not daring to breathe.

  I closed my eyes.

  My womb is a flower. My womb is a flower. Come on Zelda, give me two little lines on the stick. That’s not too much to ask for, is it? I’ll be a really good person forever. I’ll give money to charity. I’ll volunteer for community work. I’ll work part-time in the Oxfam shop. Anything!

  I couldn’t bring myself to open them again. ‘Tell me what it says,’ I said to Karl with my eyelids squeezed together like they’d been Superglued.

  I heard a deep sigh. ‘It’s negative.’

  ‘What! No!’ That got my eyelids flying open pretty quick. ‘It can’t be.’ I picked it up and stared at it.

  Yep, Karl was right. Negative. Not even a hint of two lines.

  ‘Fuck!’ I slumped onto the edge of the bath, head in my hands, tugging at my roots. ‘But I feel pregnant. I must be. I know I…’ my voice trailed off. Should I do another one just to make sure?

  ‘It’s probably the hormone tablets giving you those symptoms.’ Karl sat down next to me, stroking my hair. ‘Don’t worry, babe. It’s only the first month on the Clomid.’

  One month down, five to go. Tick tock, tick tock.

  I was so numb I couldn’t even cry at first. Maybe I was in shock. I’d been so positive this was the month. I felt this hole in my heart getting bigger and bigger, engulfing me in the process.

  ****

  I had to do a French manicure on Stella later that morning, and she told me that her sister had done IVF eight times and then finally got pregnant naturally. Eight times! Aagh! I couldn’t stop the uncontrollable tears, then. Real shoulder-shaking sobs, complete with blocked up nose and laboured breathing. How embarrassing, crying in front of a client. She was really good about it, even though I smudged her nail varnish a bit.

  When Kerry appeared on my doorstep at five o’clock I looked a mess. Red-rimmed eyes, blotchy skin, big fat nose that Rudolph would’ve been proud of.

  ‘Hey!’ I forced a smile as I swung open the door to let her in.

  ‘God, are you OK?’ Kerry’s forehead wrinkled with concern. ‘Have you got a cold?’

  I sniffed. ‘Yeah, I think so,’ I fibbed. I wasn’t in the mood for talking about it, and I was desperately conscious that I harped on about body temperatures, cervical mucus, periods, and a whole host of pregnancy related issues all the time, and nobody likes a grumpy, feel-sorry-for-themselves friend. If I were Kerry or Amelia, would I want to be friends with me anymore? I was turning into an unsociable, self-obsessed person who could only focus on babies, or the lack of them.

  ‘Oh, I’d better not give you a hug, then,’ Kerry said. ‘Don’t want to catch it.’ She followed me into the kitchen.

  ‘Sorry, I haven’t got coffee, but you can have peppermint tea, green tea, or some vile nettle tea that tastes like boiled underpants,’ I said.

  ‘Are they used or unused underpants?’ She grinned.

  ‘Used.’ I held my nose and wafted a hand underneath it for emphasis.

  ‘In that case, I’ll have peppermint. I’m off the coffee anyway at the moment,’ she said quietly.

  ‘So how’s Mark?’ I put my happy face on and forced myself to smile. It was horrible of me, but at that moment, I really couldn’t give a shit how Mark was. I’d just felt the familiar twingy cramps of my period arriving.

  Fuckyshittybollocks!

  ‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.’ She traced a circle on the kitchen table with her fingertip, not looking at me.

  ‘Oh, wow, you’re getting engaged?’ I pulled out mugs, stuffed in a couple of teabags and poured over the boiling water.

  ‘Er…not exactly.’

  I glanced up at her odd tone of voice, which was a mixture of sadness and trepidation, and I knew what she was going to tell me.

  I felt all blood drain from my face and pool in the tips of my toes. ‘You’re pregnant?’

  She swallowed slowly and nodded, watching my face carefully to gauge my reaction.

  For a few seconds I just blinked at her, hoping I was wrong. Or maybe this was all a horrible dream. Yes, that was it. In a minute I’d wake up and realize it was just my subconscious being a nasty git. How could that be fair? Kerry was a single career-girl. She didn’t even want kids. How could she get pregnant and I couldn’t?

  There was a fuzzy line between wanting to scratch her eyes out for having something that I wanted and being crushed by sadness. I wanted to be happy for her, but part of me hated her at that second. I felt the green-eyed monster of jealousy crushing me. Then I was consumed with incredible guilt. She was my friend, after all. I should be happy for her – supporting her in everything she went through in life. It wasn’t her fault I was a useless excuse for a woman.

  I took a long sniff, determined not to cry again, and plastered a huge smile on my face.
Even if she didn’t buy it, I was going to have a good go at seeming ecstatically pleased for her. ‘Wow! That’s great!’ I said, which came out slightly more high pitched than anticipated. ‘Really fantastic news.’ I sat down opposite her, not quite holding her enquiring gaze.

  She reached out and squeezed my hand in hers. ‘I wanted to tell you myself, because I know with all the fertility treatment you’re going through, it must be pretty difficult for you to hear it.’ She let out a stiff laugh. ‘Especially since I’ve never even thought of having kids before. I mean, this is a huge shock for me.’

  ‘No, it’s great news. Really.’ I squeezed her hand back.

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK about it? You don’t hate me?’

  Yes, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the failure. ‘Of course not.’ I blinked back the tears pricking my eyes. ‘So how does Mark feel about it?’

  She rolled her eyes to the ceiling. ‘I haven’t told him yet.’

  ‘What? Why not?’

  She withdrew her hand and cupped the steaming mug of tea. ‘We’ve only been together a few months. This isn’t exactly what I’d planned on. It’s…well, a bloody shock, to be honest. A condom split on us one night, which must’ve been when it happened. I can’t believe it’s happened.’ She exhaled a deep breath.

  ‘But you two have been getting on great, haven’t you?’

  She nodded. ‘Yeah, I think he could be the one, but it’s just so soon in our relationship. He’s going to think I’ve done it on purpose to trap him or something. I don’t know how to tell him. I keep going over and over the conversation in my head but nothing sounds right.’ She rested her elbow on the table, rubbing her forehead. ‘And you heard what he said in the pub that night. He’s never even really thought about having kids, either. He would rather have a bloody cat!’

  ‘I’m sure that was just a joke. I used to say stuff like that all the time before I was trying for a baby. I’m sure he won’t think like that when he finds out.’ I rubbed her arm, desperately hoping that was true. ‘Well, how do you feel about it? Are you pleased?’

  She shrugged. ‘I think so. I’ve had a bit of time to get used to it. It’s not like I can really think about anything else since I found out.’ She let out a bitter laugh and paused for a sip of tea. ‘I’ve never felt maternal before in the slightest, so it’s not like I’ve ever seriously considered being a mum, either, but…well, somehow it just feels right. Although I’m not sure how Mark will react, and the thought of being a single parent scares the shit out of me.’

  ‘It’s not going to come to that, you’ll see.’ I squeezed her hand.

  It was her turn to start crying, then, which set me off.

  And as I hugged her tight, I actually started giggling at the irony of it all. Maybe I was slightly hysterical, I don’t know, but here Kerry was by accident with a precious gift I could only dream about, and here I was. If that wasn’t Zelda sticking two fingers up to me, then I didn’t know what was.

  ‘Look at the pair of us,’ I said, giggling through my tears.

  She started giggling then, too. ‘Do you think it will work out OK? For both of us, I mean.’

  ‘It has to,’ I said with sudden determination, wiping away the tears. If Kerry could do it, so could I. So, fuck you, too, Zelda! I’m not going to be beaten.

  ‘Do you think he’ll leave me?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s head over heels. But you have to tell him straight away.’

  ‘I will.’ She leapt up with determination. ‘In fact, I’ll go home and ring him now and ask him to come over so I can break the news.’ She hugged me tight. ‘Wish me luck.’

  ‘Good luck,’ I said, walking her towards the door. ‘I’m sure it will be fine. You’ll see.’

  ****

  ‘He doesn’t want to know me,’ Kerry wailed down the phone early the next morning.

  ‘Right. I’m coming over,’ I said.

  OK, so I was jealous as hell that she was pregnant but I had to take it like a woman and suck it up. She was my friend and she needed me. I’d thought of nothing else all night. I knew how difficult it would be to raise a child single-handedly. For a brief, insane moment, I’d even wondered if she would give it up for adoption, and maybe Karl and I could be its parents.

  When I arrived at her apartment, Amelia was already there.

  ‘She’s in the lounge.’ Amelia let me in with a sombre smile.

  I found Kerry curled up on her sofa with balled up, soggy tissues all over the place.

  ‘What happened?’ I sat on one side of her, stroking her back, as Amelia sat on the other side and handed her the box of nearly empty tissues.

  ‘After I left you yesterday, I asked him to come over,’ Kerry said in between sniffs. ‘I mean, there isn’t really an easy way to put it, is there? It’s not like you can pussyfoot around it by saying, “Which restaurant do you fancy going to tonight, and by the way, I’m pregnant.” So I just came out and told him straight.’

  I nodded sympathetically as she spoke.

  ‘His face turned whiter than this tissue.’ She held up the new one she’d just massacred. ‘At first, he didn’t say anything. I think he was probably in shock, too. And then he said he needed to think about things and he’d call me later, but he hasn’t, so he obviously doesn’t want to know me or the baby.’ Her shoulders shook as tears streamed down her face.

  I hugged her to me as Amelia took on back rubbing duty.

  ‘Maybe he just needs a bit of time. I’m sure he’ll phone you,’ I said, trying to make her feel better. What did I know? I didn’t know Mark as well as she did. I just hoped for her sake it was true.

  ‘I bet he thinks I did it on purpose,’ Kerry said. ‘But it was an accident.’ She rubbed at her stomach, as if the little life inside could hear her. ‘I never meant for this to happen, honestly.’

  ‘Sssh,’ I rocked her. ‘Of course you didn’t.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’ Amelia said gently. ‘I mean, if things don’t work out between you. Will you keep it?’

  I took a deep breath while I waited for Kerry to speak. Was there a possibility she’d have an abortion? The thought chilled me inside. I respected every woman’s right to choose, but it would just tear me apart if she got rid of it while I was trying so hard for a baby of my own. Would she give it up for adoption? And if so, could Karl and I take on responsibility? My mind started daydreaming about the possibility. Little Mia (the baby was a girl in my daydream) at her first birthday party. Karl and I had bought her a giant fluffy cat, and Mia’s eyes lit up when she saw it. “Maaaaaaaaaaaa,” Mia wailed, which was the first word she’d spoken, and I interpreted it in baby-speak to mean Mum. My eyes filled up with tears of happiness as I kissed little Mia on her chubby cheek and tickled her toes. Then Kerry’s voice brought me tumbling back to reality, and I realized I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

  ‘Yes. I know I’ve always lived for my job, and I always said I never wanted kids, but…this is my son or daughter we’re talking about.’ Kerry rubbed at her stomach and wiped her eyes on yet another tissue. ‘Somehow it just feels right. I’m not getting rid of it.’ She took a long sniff, straightening up her shoulders with determination. ‘Even if I have to raise it on my own.’

  I grabbed a handful of tissues from the box and wiped my eyes. Shares in Kleenex would be rocketing the amount we were using.

  ‘I know it’s going to be difficult, trying to raise it on my own, but if that’s what I have to do, then…’ Kerry gave us a grim smile. ‘I’m just going to have to do it.’

  ‘Even though you’ve only been with Mark a few months I’ve seen the way he looks at you,’ Amelia said. ‘He’s smitten. I’m sure he just needs a bit of time to get his head around it and he’ll be back.’

  ‘What if I’ve messed everything up, though?’ Kerry wailed again. ‘I think he’s the one. I’ve never met anyone I’m so compatible with. I feel like I know him better than any oth
er guy I’ve ever met. And he’s funny and sweet and kind. Knowing my luck, I’ve just gone and blown the one chance of happiness I’ve got with Mr Right.’ She grabbed the last tissue in the box and blew into it loudly.

  A knock at the front door interrupted her sniffing-fest. Kerry’s eyes lit up. ‘Maybe it’s Mark!’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ I gave her arm a reassuring squeeze and opened the door.

  Mark stood on the doorstep looking like he hadn’t slept for a month. His hair stuck out at all angles. Dark bags circled his eyes. In his hand, he held a huge bunch of flowers.

  ‘Er…can I come in?’ He stood nervously, shifting from one foot to the other.

  ‘Of course.’ I followed him into the lounge.

  Kerry’s eyes lit up when she saw him, but I could see she was nervous. ‘Hi,’ she said softly.

  ‘Right, well we’ll just get out of your hair.’ I dragged Amelia out of the room and motioned for Kerry to call me later.

  ‘What do you think?’ Amelia said to me as we got into our cars. ‘Do you think they’ll work it out?’

  ‘God, I hope so.’

  Neurotic? What, me?

  Before I got out of bed on day twelve of my cycle, I reached my hand out from beneath the duvet, fumbling for the white digital thermometer on my bedside table with sleepy eyes. I popped it in my mouth and performed my morning ritual, waiting a minute until it beeped at me with a reading. Then I recorded it on a chart by my bed and compared it with the previous days’ results. No ovulation yet, which meant we would probably need to have sex today. Oh, what joy!

  That afternoon I was in the bathroom and discovered the arrival of my egg white goo. Hey presto, it was here! I peed on the ovulation predictor kit, just to be sure. Yep, I was about to ovulate.

  I phoned Karl at work to tell him. Since he was in some big important meeting or other, I left a message on his voicemail and clock-watched through the hours until he got home.